Negativity can rot a person on the inside. It isn't good to hold it in but it really isn't all that great to express it either. Here I am, seven months into my project and I feel proud that I have been able to find something happy or positive every day for all of these seven months. But before I give myself a pat on the back I feel that I need to come clean. There are some days, that I've noticed recently, that I find myself thinking pretty negative things about or toward people. Things that I would never actually say to the person but never-the-less, I say them to myself and sometimes at a very low volume but out loud. When I caught myself yesterday I wondered to myself, "How much happier would you, or could you be if you stopped thinking these things?" It doesn't really matter if I am smiling on the outside if the inside is knotted with brewing anger, jealousy and ugliness.
Don't get me wrong, I don't sit around thinking negative thoughts all day. I am talking about those teeny, tiny meteors I "think out" into the world in passing. I pass a woman who is pregnant or a new mother or father pushing their newborn in a baby stroller and I secretly "hate" them... I know, pretty awful, right? To be fair there are many days during which I last all day without shooting a thought dagger out into the ether. The other days however... well let's just say I wouldn't be surprised if some of my headaches stem from these "innocent" thoughts.
Yesterday I was on my way out to lunch and was walking across the street to mail an invoice for work and I passed a man out strolling with his baby. I caught myself mumble, "I "hate" you," and I stopped. I am sure I have said or thought these things many times without even thinking but today it shocked me. I stopped and I thought, "Wow, it's really time to stop "hating" so much." I don't actually hate the person, it is more of an expression but either way, sending out little hate daggers is not good for the emotional or spiritual environment of myself or the world.
The other day I was having a conversation at work with a couple of my colleagues and the word "hate" came up. We all agreed that it shouldn't be used, that it is a strong word with a great deal of negative energy. And there I was using it. Sigh. So the positive in this is that I have now caught myself and am on the road to recovery. After I sent out that little hate dagger yesterday I immediately stopped and said, "No, I don't hate that person, I am happy for him and I wish him and his baby well." I don't think anyone heard me. It was more of a mumble to myself, in my head, but I was able to stop and think and then change the energy I was sending out.
The energy I put out in the world, even if it is only in thought form and in the privacy of my own head, is just as important as writing about something positive or happy each day. I am sure that it still helps that I consciously think happy or positive thoughts every day but continuing to send out hate daggers at the same time is sort of like painting over a wall that is peeling and cracked without sanding or stripping off the old paint first. The ugliness will still come through. So now I am starting the real work of sanding and stripping the negativity from my thoughts so that I can paint my pretty, happy and positive images on a smooth, clean canvas. Wish me luck and send me some positive thoughts if you can spare them!