Tuesday, July 17

Day 199: A Little Rain Shower

I felt extremely sad last night. I found out that a friend of mine is pregnant with her second child and it just threw me over the edge. Don't get me wrong, I am very happy for her. I just felt sad because, as I near my 44th birthday, the reality not being able to have a child becomes more and more real.

It is heartbreaking for me. I sometimes don't know if I really can be happy without getting the chance to be a mother. I don't understand why it is this way. It feels so unfair and yet I know that life is often times unfair. When I think about all of the people who suffer from and die of cancer, or other horrific diseases, not getting to be a mother doesn't seem so important. But that still does not make the longing and heartbreak go away completely.

My husband is amazingly supportive and loving in the face of my sadness. He continually reminds me of how lucky and blessed we are to have one another, even if we did meet later in life than we would have liked. Children are wonderful and the experience of having a family is one that I am sure is something that cannot be replaced. I am very blessed to have six handsome nephews, a beautiful niece, a lovely God daughter by default as well as a slew of friend's children that I get to hug and love on occasion. Plus my husband often reminds me that he is really just a big kid AND we have a wonderful kitty.... and I am very happy about the two of them.

The good news is that my wave of sadness passed over pretty quickly, much like the rain shower we had this afternoon. I am actually quite proud of myself and happy that I chanced it and rode my bike to work. The weather forecast was for a fifty percent chance of rain in the late afternoon and right at the time I would be leaving work, but I was hoping for an opening in the clouds. This morning the sky was a bright, cobalt blue with a few clouds interspersed here and there. I remember as I was riding down the hill from Slussen to Gamla Stan that I could feel the cool crisp air in my face and the warmth of the sun on my back.

It was even nicer at lunch time with soft breezes and more blue sky and sunshine. Shortly afterward however, the sky turned from happy blue to dark grey and started thundering and pouring. Luckily however, an hour or so later it miraculously cleared up and the sun shone again, just like the return of my happy spirit. I guess sometimes we need a little rain shower to clean out the cobwebs and sadness. The sun stayed out and I was able to enjoy my ride to meet a friend after work before heading home once again riding my bike under the gorgeous blue sky.

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