Day 291: Forty-Four

Somehow I seem to notice more details about today, specifically that it is Day 291 of my blog project. Two hundred ninety-one days. That seems like a lot of days. Much more than when I reached my ten day or even fifty day marks. I guess the number of days stood out more to me today because it is a special kind of day today. My birthday. I have never been one to be bothered by the years creeping by or the "height" of the number that happens to be associated with my birthday but this year I was dreading the big "44". For some reason 44 sounded much older to me than 43. Felt older and I guess too with not having been able to have a child at this point, 44 seemed to be the drop-off point. My hopefulness of having a child has greatly diminished and it is a sad time for me.

The point of my blog was to hopefully find ways to be happy every day despite things like this. Despite the occasional sadness that creeps in to my being. And it has worked for the most part. Most days I feel happy regardless of our childlessness. I was telling my husband last night through teary eyes that I truly AM happy, I just FEEL sad sometimes. And I think that is the big distinction. We can BE happy and still feel sad. I am a happy person. I am happy to be alive at age 44 and I am happy to have all of the wonderful blessings and amazing people that are in my life.

And then there's my husband who makes me laugh like a wild hyena. He woke me up this morning at five thirty a.m., in the traditional Swedish way of birthdays, with a tray of breakfast treats with candles, mugs of coffee, birthday cards that I've been saving from friends and family and then the presents that he decorated with the worst photos he could find of me. That last part has become a sort of tradition with us. As I enjoyed looking at all of the crazy photos he selected, we laughed together until tears came out as we relived the location and circumstance of each one. What a wonderful way to start my forty-fourth birthday. My wish for this birthday is that my next year be filled with as much laughter and fun as this year.

Here are a few photos of my day:

Kitty wants to be a part of it... as usual! :-)

 This one was taken while we were on an adventure with his sister and her husband on their boat one summer before we moved to sweden.

One of the crazy photos he used to decorate my packages. You can see another one on the side! 

Okay... so they aren't ALL bad. :-)

This one is from my work birthday fika...

As a small side note, I mentioned a couple of months ago that I wanted to start a yearly birthday journal. Well, here it is:

I bought this repurposed library book turned journal many years ago and have been saving it for the perfect moment. I plan to write my first entry this weekend and as I do I will reflect on this past year and maybe even a little on my plans and hopes for the next year. I think this will be a fun and insightful tool to look back on after many years have accumulated. I only wish I had thought of this idea sooner but as they say, better late than never, right?